I think its been an ongoing joke in my life everytime I drive by the Koons dealership in Tysons. Obvious snickers ensue for such a horrible name for a car dealership. But now they're having the last laugh, they're invading almost every facet of my multimedia life. This was covered in whyihatedc's blogspot but I think its worth recounting. Every morning I turn on the TV, it doesn't matter what channel I turn to, Krystal Koons is on the freaking TV shilling her family's empire of cars. When I turn to WTOP, aka my old man radio station according to the wife, to get the local traffic report (traffic and weather on the eights!) she's there telling me she's going to wow me.

And when I say Koons empire, I mean it. They must have a deathstar somewhere constructed out of every possible car model possible. Surfing over to their website, you'll see they sell them ALL. Toyota, Ford, Chevy's, Mazda, Dodge, Volvo, etc. You want them, they got them. I remember a time back in the 80s when the Koons brand was just one among many. They only sold Chevrolets but then they gobbled up Jimmy Kline's Toyota (and his equally annoying commercials), and from then, I guess they just started acquiring every small dealership.

I used to hate those Eastern Motors commercials, but they've been overtaken with Koons's massive advertising budget. Apparently there's a shared sentiment on the washington post discussion from a few weeks ago and someone has reported she's showing up before movie previews?! They must be stopped.

Most people hate Krystal with the lingering thought of neopotism that has led her to the opportunity to be a local (hated) celebrity and to line the Koons family deep pockets even deeper by supposedly "wowwing" them. However, I think there's something more sinister afoot.

I personally think Krystal Koons is an android and the Koons mad scientists thought it would be cute to give her a non-removable blue sweater vest abdomen. I mean how else can you explain that she's always wearing the same outfit in all of the commercials and that she moves and talks like the animatronics at the local Chuck E. Cheeses? If you look at all the ads, she's always planted in one place, she never walks, and her arms always flail around in the same way in a robotic fashion. I think its funny that this post article from last year says she's "seems like a Shakespearean actress" when they're comparing her to other local ads. Take a look at the photo below of Koons founder.

Its obvious they just took a mold of his cryogenically frozen head and recreated Krystal's facial mold from it. Also, look at the following photos, never is she photographed below the stomach. Its because there's a huge Cray supercomputer underneath powering the "We're gonna wow ya!" propoganda. What is the Koons evil end game? Only they seem to know.




What I find even more amazing is they're offering all these commercials online! In all print, video, and audio formats! Why on earth would I subject myself to her shrill voice of telling me she's going to wow me over and over again? Whoever goes to that site for fun is masochistic.

All in all, if the Koons marketing department is reading this, its time to fire and deport this person that came up with this campaign. I'd also like to personally flog him or her, but I want think locking them in a room for a month with these commercials playing 24/7 might be a good start.