Photos from 5 years ago. Circa July 2001 to September 2001.

Its amazing. I am going through some of my photos from 5 years ago and so much has changed. Not just externally and but internally. I was talking to an old net-geek friend about how we've both become different people than who we were. I think back when I was 26 and I was amazed how unhappy I was. I was searching the ground for something that was never going to be found. It makes me think of some obscure Electronic song lyrics:

"It happens all the time
but not when you're around
why do some people shine
while others search the ground
it's like walking in the snow
it's happening right now
it's got to be somehow"

I would have to think that it was at the height of my realization that I wasn't happy with my life. I had spent probably a good portion of my 20's agonizing over why shit wasn't popping off like it should. (I know I know, I've been listening to too much Kanye West lately.) But things weren't popping off like they should, but I was walking around with a huge heap of entitlement issues. Why wasn't I living the life that I was destined for? It sounds so much like horseshit now, but I realized slowly the only person I could blame myself. Had someone asked me 5 years ago what my 5 year plan was, I would've shrugged and said, "I dunno." But at the same token, I knew I didn't want to keep feeling like complete crap anymore and blaming others for my existence. Not my parents, not other people that let me down. Its funny that my talks with Ms. Lady D have sorta put that in perspective because she's right. I'm not a passive participant in the game called MY life. I shouldn't have been looking at the ground, at others, or even around. I should've been looking within and proactively asking why am I hurting? After all, its MY life, so its up to ME to adjust accordingly. Of course to do that would mean owning up to things. Taking responsibility.

Its funny because the word "responsibility" to me used to only mean one thing: homework. It meant you did your homework, and if anyone that knows me or has kept up with my writings will know that I hate homework. Of course, responsibility now means something completely different. It means ownership, it means its up to you to continue digging up or down in your life and knowing full well you're the one holding the shovel.

I think that epiphany for me didn't happen til I turned 26, and even then, probably a year after for it to sink in and for me to take some control of my situation and move beyond that. And I'm still moving beyond it, and while I can still see it in the rearview mirror, its slowly getting smaller. Life didn't turn out how what I thought I was entitled too, and for that I'm grateful. Otherwise, how would I ever have learned to appreciate the life that I have now? Who knows, maybe I am still blindly fumbling in the dark, but hopefully I'm a little less blind than I was 5 years ago. I hope I am.